When I rebooked my departure flight to Iowa, called my mother-in-law and canceled the week’s plans, there was also a whole lot of discomfort around the disruption. I mean so much. I felt nauseated in my body, and incredibly anxious.
I don’t know if I’m alone in this, but I’m someone who makes plans, creates lists off those plans, executes on the plan and lives a predictable life. So I see the problem. Plans aren’t a bad thing; you’ve gotta start somewhere. But learning how to roll with whatever comes my way is uncomfortable for someone who relies on the security of knowing. Knowing what to expect. Knowing what I need to do. Knowing what I can control to mitigate bad things from happening. Well, that took a turn.
I guess I’m still getting used to this new way of thinking. Nah, it’s more a new way of being. I have a feeling that it will take some practice until I’m totally at ease with going with the flow. Or maybe I never will be. Does that make sense?
As I left Cory home in Portland and flew by myself to Iowa City a week early I realized that I had all of these expectations about the two of us flying together. We had splurged on first class tickets and we were looking forward to taking this trip together. We hadn’t flown together since January 2020, so it’s been a minute. I’m going to be in Iowa all by myself for a week. Hell, I’m going to have to go to this doctor’s appointment all by myself. I don’t wanna! I felt all of this resistance. The theme was, “It’s not supposed to be like this.”
And once I’d identified this thought, “It’s not supposed to be like this,” I knew that’s where my pain was. Crap.
Let the record reflect that this thought is a recurring theme and the source of most of the pain in my life. And every time I realize that it’s my core thought around an issue, I know that I have to let it go of how I think things should be and relax into how things are, my reality.
So I started to think about all of the reasons why it was good that I had a whole week in Iowa by myself. Why it was supposed to be. I’d have a mini-vacation. I’d have an opportunity to get reacquainted with my mother-in-law. I’d have an extra weekend to hang out with my sister-in-law. And get some answers about my liver.
Speaking of which, let’s go down a rabbit trail for a liver update. After reviewing my charts and MRI results, Dr. Antonio Sanchez agreed with my doctor that I have hereditary polycystic liver disease. Women tend to get this six times more likely than men, because of course we do. Like 80% of patients with this disease, I am, fortunately, asymptomatic. We’d have no idea about the condition it all had it not been for the routine CT imaging back in October. So what do I do about it? Check in with Dr. Sanchez annually so he can monitor the liver. That’s it. Honestly, best possible outcome. So I’ll see you next year, Iowa.
So what else did I do with my bonus week in Iowa? I harvested rhubarb and made a cake; I relearned three versions of canasta and contract rummy; I learned how to play a card game called “golf;” I went thrifting with my mother-in-law; I went for daily walks; I also bought a winch, ripped out a hem–on purpose, and figured out how to use an Android tablet.
I stayed with my mother in law and her boyfriend, and I don’t think I’m oversharing when I tell you that they are in their 80s and 90s respectively. The opportunity to hang out with them in combination with attending the funeral of one of Cory’s bowling league buddies, has forced me to reconsider my own mortality. Both Cory and I have already outlived our fathers. The future is not promised, but with some luck we have another 30 or 40 years left. No matter what I hope or plan for my life and our lives together, I’m determined to live more in the now.
What do I mean by this? I spent a lot of my life in the “I’ll be happy when” mode. Renee touched on it in our conversation. I used to think I’d be happy when my credit cards were paid off, when I weighed 120, when I bought a house, when my kids were out of diapers, or daycare, college or sometimes even out of the house. Or when I got a new job or a promotion, or when I was retired. Gulp. What am I waiting for now? It doesn’t feel like there’s a lot of “when” left.
It feels like there’s this conflict between doing things I know I need to do and just relax into being. Instead of a todo list I need a to be list.
For me it comes back to the feeling. How do I want to feel? Feel that and everything else falls into place
How can I set myself up to feel amazing today? To relax and enjoy the moment? Let’s do that.
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