I don’t know why I didn’t see it coming, but I didn’t. Call me naive. I guess I expected everyone would be happy for us when my husband announced that he was going to be retiring next month. Or maybe that they would feign happiness? I don’t know. But that has not been the case. And I am shocked.
Looking back I remember my friend Brenda once said something to me about how she’d never met anyone who was happier than I was, when other people succeeded or did well. And I thought…that was odd. What do you call that? The curse of knowledge? maybe? When it’s all you know, you expect everyone else to be just like you. Because I’m genuinely happy for my friends. I really am. And, honestly, for strangers, too. It’s just who I am.
But I digress. Going back to the issue at hand. I can only name a handful of people who’ve expressed sincere congratulations. The rest…I think they’re just jealous. I mean…what else could it be. And they see Cory’s retirement as meaning something about them. Again, I don’t understand it, but I witnessed it first hand multiple times when we visited the Midwest.
The first thing that they contributed to a conversation about Cory’s retirement was, “Why?” Why is he retiring? Ummm, because he can! Wouldn’t you retire if you could?
The second question, and this I’m not totally offended by, was “You’ll get bored. What will you do?” To which my husband responded: “Anything I damn well please.” A very satisfying response. Am I right? The third contribution was basically no comment. Nothing. Crickets. They refused to acknowledge his retirement or talk about it at all. Because then, maybe, it’s not actually happening? I don’t know. I really have no frame of reference for understanding this.
So how did I respond? Ah, now we’re coming to the real issue. First let’s agree that I should have just “let them,” as they say. Let it go. They get to be wrong. And unkind. And unsupportive. And everything else I was making their actions mean.
But what I found myself doing was to make myself small in an effort to make them feel more comfortable. What do I mean by that? I noticed that I was diminishing my husband’s and my hard work, good fortune, accomplishments, and our choices that have allowed us to make this decision. Because it is a decision. And I found my husband falling into this trap, too. We used words like “modest retirement,” “not lavish,” and bullshit like that. As if retiring on your own terms isn’t a luxury, no matter your budget. It is! And it’s a huge accomplishment. What was I doing?
What I eventually came to realize was that the people who dismiss our accomplishments and are jealous of Cory’s retirement aren’t my people.
Rabbit trail: There were a lot of folks who said that they had to pay off their homes before they could retire. If you’re watching the podcast on YouTube you can see I’m shaking my head. If you’re listening to the podcast, you’re just going to have to trust me.
What I’ve learned from my friend Renee about rich people–she worked with a lot of rich people when she owned her own mortgage company–is that rich people use other people’s money every chance they get. Why would they use their own money when they can leverage other people’s money to achieve their goals. Compare that to what those of us who grew up poor or working class were taught: we were taught that rich people got rich by pulling themselves up by their own boot straps. What a crock.
Who we hang out with matters. You’ve probably heard the saying, “Show me your friends and I’ll tell you who you are.” Or, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” Remember my Board? They are a perfect example of like minded people, most of whom are waaay smarter than I am. I rely on them for their wisdom and support. And they encourage me and cheer me on.
We didn’t know it at the time, but one of the benefits of moving halfway across the country 30 years ago is that we had no choice, but to make new friends. We couldn’t conveniently rely on people we’d grown up with. Since moving to Portland we’ve consciously chosen to surround ourselves with positive, motivated, like minded and supportive people who have shaped us and propelled us towards our own successes. So many of our friends that we’ve forged bonds with over the past 30 years are retiring early, living unconventional lives. And now that I think about it, you know what’s interesting about them? Every one of them is happy for us. Jumping up and down, taking us to drinks to celebrate happy for us.
I wonder if Cory would be retiring early if we hadn’t moved to Portland. Hmmm
Remember how I one of the reasons we’ve been able to do this is because we’ve questioned the status quo and we let go of the manufactured idea of the American Dream and decided what we wanted our own dream to be. I’m wondering now if part of the reason some folks are unhappy, or jealous is because they continue to cling to these old rules. Rules that don’t serve them very well. And here we are asking, “Who makes these rules? Who says they get to decide? And then smashing it all down.
I heard Toni Travelz say this on TikTok today and it blew me back: “People closest to you are the first ones to shoot on your dreams because they are too scared to do it themselves.” Damn!
Now compare them to one of the reps that my husband has worked for the past couple of years. Here’s what he emailed Cory:
“You have been the BEST inventory management person I’ve ever had, and that’s not blowing smoke, it’s the truth. I HATE your leaving BUT I 100% understand where your priorities lie and RESPECT those 100%. Family ALWAYS comes FIRST and A LOT of people do NOT live like that. Congratulations bro on living on YOUR terms. I will SURELY miss you and hate your not gonna be here anymore, BUT that’s just me being selfish. Takes a real man to put his family first above the paycheck. I wish you well on whatever your next endeavors are. You will always have a friend here!”
Does it get any better than that? I don’t think so.
No responses yet