Me surrounded by some of our goats
I’m not kidding when I say our goats saw the veterinarians more often than any of the humans in my family saw doctors growing up. Case in point: I’ve had recurring cases of eczema–a dry itchy skin rash–since I was in 1st grade. No one knew exactly what it was, and it went undiagnosed, because it didn’t rank high enough to be seen by a doctor. The prescribed treatment–I use the term “prescribed” loosely, because it was my parents’ treatment–was to clean it several times a day with…wait for it…rubbing alcohol. That’s right. Let’s use an astringent irritant on dry skin. Because that makes sense.
The skin condition never failed to appear on my right eyelid and, eventually, on my elbows and the backs of my forearms. Predictably worse in the winter–no doubt aggravated by the dry pot belly stove heat, and sub-freezing temperatures–it became bearable during the summers.
After I moved to Oregon I started seeing a dermatologist, who began to rule out possible causes: soaps, shampoos, body washes, food allergies. We looked at everything. Eventually she prescribed a tape which turned out to be a godsend. And so I lived in relative peace for years. Until I didn’t.
The spring of 2015 I started to develop a rash on my (gasp) forearms. What was this fresh hell?! You guessed it. Only this time the dermatologist determined that it was stress related. When I drilled down the source was a problematic client. Problematic for several reasons: 1. They didn’t listen to me, even though they had me on retainer as a consultant. 2. They were constantly changing direction. And 3. Most disturbing for me…they were hypocrites. One thing you should know about me is that I can’t abide hypocrisy. Can’t do it. And this organization talked about valuing the people who worked on their but paid most of them minimum wage, despite the fact that most of the team were working without benefits and the organization was rolling in cash.
As the rash began spreading, I realized what I had known for some time: I was going to have to fire this client. Who walks away from a sure thing? Meaningful work and a steady paycheck. Evidently I do.
And you’ll never believe what happened. O.K. you’re smart, so you probably will. You’re right. The rash was gone within the month. Not only that, I picked up a much better client that paid three times as much as the old one.
So what does all of this have to do with my life today? I’m glad you asked. Remember the temporary full-time job I was ASKED to apply for? The one I was very excited about? At my second interview, two weeks ago, I was told that they would make a decision and let me know by August 2nd. If you’re listening when this episode drops, that was last Friday. And I still haven’t heard a peep. And the job starts today!
Am I disappointed? I am! I’m disappointed that they couldn’t be bothered to drop me an email to let me know. I’m disappointed that I don’t get to do the work. Or am I?
Remember how I decided that even though I was scared, I was going to apply? And so I showed up, let myself get excited, and pretended that I had the job so that I could prepare for it. I did all of that. I showed up. The reason I won’t be doing this work isn’t because I didn’t show up. Because I showed all the way up. It’s because they found a better qualified person for the job. And, considering it’s political work for the upcoming election, that’s a very good thing.
If I’m completely honest, I knew that this job was going to be very stressful. I was preparing myself to be available and online 6 days a week. I would have to hire and train dozens of direct reports. There’d likely be a steep learning curve, And the stakes were incredibly high, because we have an election to win.
You now have an idea of how my body reacts to stress, so I started preparing myself. To minimize stress, I began streamlining as much of my life as possible. I set up some basic meal plans. I decluttered my house. I cleaned. And I set expectations for my husband so that he wouldn’t be frustrated if I was working 80 hours a week. But I still had some anxiety.
So am I disappointed I didn’t get the job? I am. At the same time I can also admit that there’s a small part of me that’s relieved. Does that make sense?
You may remember that last week when I was feeling discomfort around the uncertainty of waiting to hear about several things, one thing I did for myself was to ask, How can I set myself up to feel amazing? And I allowed myself to be excited about the prospect of doing this job.
And do you know what I just realized? I may not have gotten the job, but that excited, energized, passionate, optimistic feeling is still with me. And now I have no excuse to not prioritize my health. Everything worked out the way it was supposed to.
Now I’m sitting here smiling, because I’m curious and open to the possibilities of what’s next. I can’t even imagine.
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