If over a decade in local magazine publishing taught me anything, it was that September is Back to School / Back to Me season. Meaning, as a woman, especially if you’re a mom, this is the time of year when you have permission to put yourself first. Editorial calendars are driven by advertising. Always have been always will be. You’ve heard the term “follow the money,” right? I have personally tried to change up the order of things, because who says September should be the only time of year when women should put themselves first? But to no avail. January will always be about organization and decluttering. June will be about babies and summer camps and weddings. And September the focus is on us. So let’s lean into it, shall we?
Because it dovetails nicely into what I want to talk about today: the single most popular episode I recorded. Not if you’re counting downloads, but in the sheer number of people who wrote to tell me that different parts of it resonated with them. Or commented on my TikToks–I broke the episode down into a series of eight–some in tears, some with questions. The TikTok views alone are at 196.2K which astounds me. Especially considering the episode itself was a bit of a mistake. Well, that’s the wrong word. More of a solution to the problem that the episode I wanted to do wasn’t coming together. So I wrote a list of things that my 59-year-old self wished my 19-year-old self knew.
Aside: It occurs to me that I could add this last bit to the list. That even when you think you aren’t doing something right, it could turn out to be the best thing you have done so far.
Although I didn’t realize it at the time, Episode 25 is about putting yourself first which feels appropriate for this time of year. So today let’s talk about some of the points on the list that resonated with you, and more specifically, answer questions.
The overwhelming vibe was one of “I wish I would have known this 15 years ago,” and, as Austin so succinctly stated, ““I have found my tribe.”
Much like myself, a lot of listeners were sad that they learned these lessons later in life. One said, “Holy smokes. Wouldn’t that be great to have had this wisdom back then.”
Another said, “I just told my therapist, “I wish I would have started my healing journey sooner.” She said, “You couldn’t have. You weren’t ready.” What a wonderful therapist. And she’s right. We learn everything when we’re supposed to. And thank goodness we know now. Right?
One of my lessons that hit hardest, both for me and for you, was “Let go of the illusion that things should have been different.” Michelle wrote that she feels like she’s in a mid-life crisis. She’s struggling with what she expected vs. reality. I think a lot of us can relate to that. If you could go back and give your younger self a more accurate expectation of reality would you? The only way that’s possible is for those of us who are moms to talk to our children. Or our nieces and nephews. But since we don’t get re-do’s ourselves, the best we can do is let go of how we thought things would be, and accept how things are. OR, when we can, choose to make things different, knowing we can only control ourselves.
Another one that hit hard was, “Give up on people sooner.” Dana said, “This is such good advice. I have wasted so much time begging bad people to be good when I could have been finding people who are good on their own, all of the time.”
“Friends aren’t meant to be friends forever” resonated with a lot of you. One listener wrote, “The friendship part is hard for younger women to understand. You are correct. Friends are friends during certain points in your life, not forever.” I may do a whole episode on this, because I was in my 30s the first time a friend broke up with me–she even sent me a card. Who knew they made cards for that occasion? Also why not just quiet quit? I guess that wasn’t a thing 25 years ago.
There was also pushback, particularly around the term feminist.
“U lost me at feminist.” O.K. The list is for me not you. You can make your own list. I wouldn’t expect that they’d be the same.
Shelly wrote, “Not a feminist. I’ve been happily married for 32 years.” Being happily married doesn’t have anything to do with being a feminist. At least not the way you think, Shelly. A feminist as defined by the dictionary, is someone who supports equal rights for women.
I don’t plan to get into it here, but I’m guessing that if, like me, you were raised in a conservative household, you were taught that the term feminist carried a whole lot of extra baggage.
There were just as many listeners who wrote to tell me that what I said about becoming a feminist resonated with them. “I am 52. You said something about you’ll be a feminist and not know it yet. It is true. The past few weeks I realized that.” Another woman said, “I’m going to turn 50 this year and I may be about to become a feminist. Maybe.”
Holly said, “The becoming a feminist part, girl! Yes! I never saw it coming and I should have.”
One of my favorite aspects of the feedback that I received on this episode was that people added their own wisdom.
- “Don’t stay in a relationship because he/she has potential.”
- “I give up on those who give up on me.”
- “Give up on people sooner, but not yourself. You are strong and amazing and will always, always be okay. And when you’re not okay you’re really okay.”
- “Just because you walked to the wrong door doesn’t mean you stay in the wrong room.”
Finally, an unspoken lesson emerged from comments like this one from Tess. “I’m afraid it’s taking me a long time to learn some of these lessons. Maybe I’m just a slow learner.”
Tess, I never said I’d learned all of these lessons, that I had them down pat. These are the ones that I find myself using all of the time to counter unproductive thoughts. I am still learning. Still practicing. And it gets easier every day.
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