If you listened to last week’s podcast and encountered some issues, it’s not you, it’s me. I want to apologize for episode 33. Unbeknownst to me, I was experiencing some technical difficulties. I recorded, edited and scheduled the podcast episode and thought no more of it. The episode dropped on Wednesday, and as I do, I always check it out on my phone the next day or the day after just to see that everything’s ok. Well I listened to it, and eeeeek! I knew before I’d listened to the entire first sentence that there was something wrong with the sound. It was horrible.
So what did I do? I freaked out. Because that’s useful!
When I came to my senses I decided to delete it off the internet and pull it down from all of the places, because you know I’d shared the link everywhere. I had a written script, so I knew I had to re-record, re-edit, re-upload and re-share it. And that’s what I did.
The whole re-do took less than an hour. So no big deal. Right?
It really wasn’t a big deal. Except for the ten minutes between the discovery of the wretched sound and my decision to delete and re-record the episode. Those ten minutes weren’t pretty. And I’d like very much to shorten the time I spend in that uncomfortable space in the future. Because it’s completely in my power to do so.
Let’s retrace my steps, shall we? I encountered the bad sound, and I thought, “How did I miss that?” Followed by, “I can’t believe I didn’t check the sound.” Those thoughts quickly led to feelings of embarrassment and shame. I was embarrassed and ashamed that I’d put out such a shitty product. “What will people think?” It was the beginning of a shame spiral whose next step was, “Then they’ll know…” Know what? I’m not sure. I’m not even sure who they are…those nameless, faceless people who maybe, possibly will think all of these things about me.
I do remember realizing that these thoughts had something to do with perfection, and that the more I played with them, the harder it would be to fix this. Because when I get in my head about the mistakes that I’ve made it can be difficult to have the confidence to do what I know I can do, namely record it correctly.
And the truth is I have proof that I can record a podcast. I’d done it 32 times before without incident. Was the sound perfect? Hell, no. But I had proof that I could do it. And that it was just this once that I didn’t get it right.
Thank goodness I screwed up the sound with episode 33 and not with episode 1!
This experience reminded me of when I had to get a series of five iron infusions, to be scheduled a week apart, for low ferritin. The first time my husband Cory went with me. Because I was nervous. I’d sat in a few infusion rooms in my day and knew that there were risks. But that first one was uneventful, and I remember feeling relief that these weren’t going to be as bad as I thought.
Successful first infusion
The next time I went alone, and again, easy peasy. But the third infusion… sweet baby Jeebuz, the nurse, the same nurse who’d attended me the previous two times, couldn’t find the vein to save her life. Note she was a professional. This was an infusion room, meaning this was one of the most important parts of her day, and yet she was having trouble. And the more she tried–both arms, multiple times–the more flustered she became. At one point I asked her to take a moment and relax, because I could see that the frustration was affecting her ability to do something she could normally do in her sleep. Eventually she placed the line in my hand and I left, bruised but not defeated.
I remember thinking, “I’m so glad this didn’t happen the first time. I might not have come back.” Of course I would have, but it would have made it much more difficult. But knowing that the one experience was an aberration, made it easier to return the following week with no issues.
Both of these experiences–the infusion room and my podcast audio issues–make me grateful that I’m learning to let go of the initial flood of icky thoughts and feelings that naturally come, and that I can get to a better place quickly.
Looking back at last week’s podcast snafu, I’m grateful that I’ve been doing this awhile, I know how to do it, so re-doing it wasn’t as difficult for me as it would have been for episode 1. It’s not that hard anymore.
I also realized that it wasn’t so much about what other people would think of me, but I was thinking about myself. And what I was making that mean about me.
Overcoming perfection is a practice. But I’m here for it. Let’s look at the bright side: if I were perfect, I wouldn’t have anything to talk about.
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