A couple of weeks ago, as Cory and I were walking to The Fields Park a dozen blocks or so from our home, he casually mentioned that he was experiencing FOMO around missing his 40-year high school class reunion. I stopped in the middle of the sidewalk on NW 10th Ave., and said, “Then you should go!” The planned “take the new compact camp chairs for a spin at the park and read” event turned into, “Let’s see if we can find Cory a round trip ticket to the Eastern Iowa Airport in Cedar Rapids on short notice.” And half an hour later he was on the phone with his mom to tell her to expect a visit: in a week and a half.
Eventually, a few phone calls, a few canceled and rebooked flights later, and he had a one-way ticket to Minneapolis to meet his friend Dave for a week-long fishing trip at Leech Lake ahead of City High reunion. He’d be leaving five days later.
As the whirlwind of planning and packing leading up to the trip unfolded with little fanfare, I began contemplating how I wanted to spend the three weeks by myself at home. Actually, just writing that now I realize that I haven’t spent three weeks on my own in 36 years.
The first evening was easy. I dropped Cory at the airport Friday afternoon before meeting a friend for happy hour in Vancouver. We had a wonderful time. I returned home looking forward to a quiet evening and the queen sized bed to myself.
The following day on my walk I decided that what I really wanted was to do a reset of my life. What do I mean by that? First of all, don’t freak out. Let’s start with this. You know how when you go clothes shopping with a friend you tend to pick clothes that skew to their style instead of choosing items that might be more in line with what you’d like to wear? You tend to make a purchase influenced by their opinion. No? Just me? Well, I always clothes shop best when I’m by myself or when I shop with my daughter. My daughter gets me. I’ve even learned to shop with the help of a stylist and maintain my own point of view. In fact, this is how I’ve refined my style over the years. But when I shop with a girlfriend I find that things just tend to get muddied.
When I worked with clients, I managed my own schedule, working independently, mostly from home. Post Covid, I’ve worked exclusively from home, always on my own schedule. But I worked AROUND Cory’s schedule. Meaning, weekends and evenings he was home. Wednesdays and Fridays he worked from home. So I adjusted my activities accordingly. But I still had 24 hours a week dedicated completely alone time. Then he retired. Which means he’s been home 24/7 for 4 months. Of course he hasn’t, but there’s not been a time when I could count on him being gone. Does that make sense?
He’s never happier than when we’re together, out and about, whether it’s walking, exploring, or on the hunt for a specific household item. He likes to go. And not alone.
For anyone who hasn’t figured out the clothes shopping analogy yet, I’ll spell it out for you: I love the man dearly, but I’m finding that sometimes I’m choosing things that aren’t really for me. Not that everything has to be. I guess maybe I’m feeling like I’m getting a little lost. Like I’ve forgotten what I want. What do I want? What do I want my days to look like? What do I want to prioritize?
Hence, the idea of the re-set. Sounds easy, right? He’s gone, so I have plenty of time and few distractions.
What could go wrong? Well, I’ll tell you.
First of all, I missed him terribly. It’s embarrassing from someone who is so damn independent. But I miss him. He’s been gone a week and a half, and I’m still surprised to find he’s not in bed when I wake in the morning. The first several days were brutal. But it’s getting better.
Secondly, overwhelm. I fell quickly into overwhelm because I wanted this reset to be perfect. The be all and end all of resets. I wanted it to cover everything from fitness to finances to a day in the life. That was some foolishness. And I’m a little shocked that it took a few days for me to work myself out of it. But finally, last Saturday, a full week after he left, I found some clarity. Thank goodness he’s gone for three weeks. Otherwise I wouldn’t have time to start implementing this thing.
So how did I move past the overwhelm and find clarity? By letting go of perfection. By remembering that small steps count. That even if I don’t know where I’m going and I can’t see very far in front of me. By reminding myself that it’s like holding a flashlight to see where I’m walking in the dark. That I don’t have to know everything, just where to put my foot for the next step.
So I started drinking a glass of water each morning. Doing legs up the wall while I meditated. I let go of the thought that I should meditate for 20 minutes twice a day and began meditating 5 minutes a day. I reconnected with a friend who asks great questions and doesn’t judge. I went for walks sometimes twice a day. I asked myself, “What would it look like if it were easy?”
Another source of overwhelm was my well-stocked refrigerator. Even before my son and I drove out to Aloha to Costco, I knew I didn’t need anything. So I didn’t buy anything.
As I thought about it more I realized that what I wanted to eat was not the food in my refrigerator, but I felt compelled to eat it because we’d bought it; we’d prepared it; I didn’t want to waste it. And I’d found myself overeating it so it wouldn’t spoil. I don’t need nearly as much food as I used to. I’m just not as hungry. Here’s a person who can easily leave food on her plate at mealtime, but is second guessing throwing food into the garbage.
And I didn’t give up until I couldn’t keep up. First the acorn squash, then the butternut squash soup grew fur. Then I realized that the salmon filet was nearly a week old, and probably risky. I trashed all of it. As I did so, I realized there were other items, nowhere near spoiling, that I wasn’t interested in eating, so I tossed them, too, telling myself I could return to Costco if I needed to. It was then that I recognized that although their fettucini alfredo is delicious, I have no desire to eat fettuccini for 8 days straight, so the idea of Costco was out.
What did I really want to eat? What food sounds good? If I could eat anything. The balsamic blue steak salad from Ted’s Montana Grill in Bozeman. Yes. That’s what I want. So I went to Zupans and bought the ingredients. I’ve eaten it two days in a row and it’s delicious.
What else do I want? Or, more accurately, how do I want to feel? Because that’s where it starts.
The good news is that Cory’s gone for another week, so I have time to keep figuring this out. I don’t even know what I’m expecting the end product to look like. I don’t know what it is, but I am confident that I can figure it out. And it will be easier than I think.
What about you? What do you want? How do you want to feel?
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